af Ursula MayIllegal 13

Is it me or the drugs, honey?

MDMA brought me from avoiding toes to enjoying licking them. From feral GBL to cosmic LSD, dirty cocaine and hash meditation, drugs take me on a tour of an ever expanding sexuality. I fell head over heels for their honesty. I’ve grown reckless in stepping over my own boundaries so as to become more aware of where they actually are. The sensuality. They show me all the wonderful kinks I have inside me.

In the winter of 2014, my sex drive was as mushy as a desert in Jordan. It had gotten lost in a long term relationship, trying hard to avoid predictability. I thought that having good sex came from having long blonde hair and big boobs, and hadn’t considered that it might be natural to experience the ebb and flow in libido. I blamed my boyfriend for the resentment I was feeling towards him and made him leave, which really did the trick. From one day to the other I was back to my old self, feeling like a primary school kid with a new found clitoris, trying not to rub up against anything with sufficient edge and density. It was with this hunger that I a few months later experienced my first meeting with narcotics, when my former go-to booty call took my chemical virginity with methylone.

Plunging in
When I got over the immediate ecstasy of the texture of the woodchip wallpaper and emptied the freezer to immerse myself as much as possible in the joyous cold, it started to dawn on me that this enormous sensuous intensity could be directed at another human, a most delicate male being of sorts. The remaining guests peeped into the kitchen and considered this to be an appropriate time to leave me and the guy alone in his apartment. My featherbrained drunkenness disregarded the agreement I had with myself not to resume the old flirt, and as soon as the front door closed behind them I ripped my clothes off, crawled the walls naked and was dragged into the shower, where I had outspoken morning sex with the water, which became ‘is it possible to crawl under your skin?’ sex with him. There was an afterglow. And then there was a more permanent intensification of my senses. An opening which allowed my partner and me to experience some interesting energy exchanges of a tantric character, until more and more clothes got between us, as more and more feelings interfered with the sexual relation.

Every drug has its kink
Particularly encouraged by my initiation night, combined with the anguish of school’s trivial pastime and springtime frolic, I danced on the tables with cocaine and flew around on a skateboard in lingerie and flat bill snapback. My spring affair with the snow queen culminated in a night of violent sex with a questionable guy, where I in my first Monday downer really wished to wash my outer layer of skin off.

I am lying in an attic room on top of my man, butt first and face towards the ceiling, and the only thing that I can think of is that getting a big fat dick inside my ass really cannot happen fast enough. Give it, give it, give it, or the world might not stand much longer, the absolute joy of this moment is to be filled up completely. GBL rush built up over an entire night with many small doses; the third time the charm, after two other evenings with sleepy nodding and nausea.

What is it?
The winter after methylone ruptured my cells on acid, I could not resist the whimsical temptation to go naked out into the snow. I was happily caressing duvets of ice crystals until the cold took over my consciousness and brought me back inside and under the covers with my man.

The preliminary confusion of the experience was dumbfounding, but after the body took over and the world of thoughts slipped into the background, I was completely on to what he had tried to explain to me, why he really wanted to trip in bed rather than looking at stars. The emotional repercussions took me months to integrate, but it was an unexpected gift. Apart from an orgasm of surprising dimensions, I made peace with an abortion which had been lurking in the shadows for seven years.

When I am under the influence of LSD and keep thinking that guys are secretly planning to have a threesome with me, it must be my lust combined with acid’s delusions of grandeur. When I can only deep throat under the influence of chemical enhancements, it must be something in them that unlocks psychological barriers manifested in the body. There is still so much to explore about drugs and my sexuality to say for sure which is which.